I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Randomize
