i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
