how can u be prego again
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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