I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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