im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize