The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
