not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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