Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
