I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
