just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
