Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
