As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I think I sprained my soul last night
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Randomize
