tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
pray to the hookup gods
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Randomize
