What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
