lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Randomize
