If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
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