I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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