The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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