So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
