It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
