you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Randomize
