i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
