i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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