Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Did you pee in the oven last night??
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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