bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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