if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize