And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
She announced her abortion via fbk
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
No stitches, just platelets and will power
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Randomize
