I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
