Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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