im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
