The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
So squirting runs in the family.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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