Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
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