elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Randomize