i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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