I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
