Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Randomize
