I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
ugly people sure do ruin things
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
