Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
