so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Randomize
