I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
The best revenge is premature balding
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
