dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize