wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
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