Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Fuck me I smell like cheese
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
