I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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