so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
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