mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Randomize
