Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
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