She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize