It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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