Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Randomize
