EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
