OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
