That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Randomize
