you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
lol hangovers are for mortals.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
