so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
