Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
