mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
