I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
