cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize