How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
This is the prime rib incident all over again
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
Randomize
